I quit
Aah a dramatic headline.
We all love it, don’t we? But I won't let you scroll to the end of the page to discover what I've quit. I'm not quitting this newsletter or my job.
I've quit the 75 Hard Challenge.
On my 33th birthday, last Wednesday. I didn't see it coming, it wasn't planned like this. No no, I thought I would finish it, I was well on my way. Turns out, it wasn’t a priority after all.
Kindness came knocking on my door, I opened, and instead of turning her away, I let her in and let her stay.
Kindness for myself.
I hope I managed to stay kind to everyone around me, but in hindsight, I wasn't kind to myself. I had forced this extremely hard challenge on myself when I needed the complete opposite: softness. It was my coping mechanism after a breakup.
Instead of allowing myself the time to grieve, I threw myself into this rigid challenge. I had no time to be sad; I had to complete all the tasks, you know. And I needed 46 days on the challenge to realize that the time had come for softness.
No more ticking boxes.
Just be, and allow myself to feel.
Something I struggle with deeply.
I have been covering up my emotions for years and years. So, I basically barely know how to feel from the heart. I know how to feel from the head. I'm an empath, so I can feel other people's emotions and get emotional. Or I understand how something is sad and cry.
But in reality, I've been an einzelganger and a loner.
Having many people around me who love me dearly, but not letting them in. There's this thick wall built around my heart, and it needs to come down—a deeply painful realization. I'm a human being, and I, like everyone else, need and want people around me.
I'm not destined for a lonely life.
So I started therapy. I finally listened to my friends and parents, who said I was going a little bit extreme. Of course, they were right. Even here on Substack, some of you asked me why I was so hard on myself. I didn't understand why you would ask that. I didn't see it, but now I do. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kindness and caring for me.
I'm just a 30-something woman trying to find her inner child again.
It's a long road ahead of me.
And it's not going to be easy, on the contrary.
But I know it's the only way forward now.
Thank you for understanding,
I'm going back to cocooning mode right now.
And listen to Nick Cave and Adele.
Big love, and thank you for sticking with me,
Marie
For more context:
Einzelgänger was a new one for me. I like how it evokes the power of independent thought that comes from being alone.
Hard 46 remains a great achievement that you should take great pride in. Much admiration.
I get that. After years of trying to 'force' myself to 'just do it' (and being told, subtly or not, that I was 'lazy' anyway) I decided to just stop with the harshness. I'm already hard enough on myself, I don't need more reasons to beat up on myself.