I can’t do it with a broken heart
Week 22: earnings and learnings
The premise of The Bored Millennial?
I share my weekly progress on building a sustainable online business through my writing. I gave myself 1 year after making my 1st dollar online in February. You can follow my journey week by week. I share my stats, my earnings, and my learnings. Open and honest.
That you can count on!
Miss Taylor Swift sings,
You know you're good when you can do it with a broken heart.
Well, then, I’m not good. Of course, I’m no global superstar. I'm just a little writer figuring out life. So no, I can't do it with a broken heart. I’m not sure I want to be able either. Sounds very unnatural and quite robotic.
I’m also unsure if it’s okay to say I’m the one with the broken heart because I caused this whirlwind of disruption and emotions.
It’s still very fresh and painful, but Mr. M and I have separated. I’m back at my parents' house in Belgium. I’m keeping one dog, the black one. I called her Lola. Alfie has found a new warm home with a good friend of mine.
That’s all I’m ready to say about it now.
At the beginning of the week, I sat down behind my computer, naively thinking I was ready to get into the game again. HA! What a joke.
Then I started Wim Hoff breathing and meditating, thinking I could meditate myself back into it. But soon, my head went to other places. I would quit my job then and there and start manifesting my dream life. The day after, I considered returning to my first bank job. Like why? And just…why? By Thursday, I was convinced to buy a van, DIY convert it to a camper, and become a YouTuber, documenting the journey. I even created the YT channel.
It's clear. My sturdy house came tumbling down.
While I knew there were cracks in some foundations, I didn't think the entire house would come down all at once. But it makes sense. The life I knew is gone, I have no more home—no place to call my home. My future has completely changed overnight. While you never know what the future will bring, it's something you do hold on to. My head can’t handle the overwhelm of all these unleashed emotions, so instead, I feel numb. And with that wide open future, suddenly, a lot seems possible.
Like buying and converting a van, it's perfectly possible. I have the money and the time. (Not the skills, but a girl can learn.) But then I wonder, is it because I really want it? Or because I have no more home? Isn't it the most obvious thing to do, to “escape reality”?
But what is my reality? Is it being a good girl, working, earning money, and letting life happen? Or is this the perfect storm to taste the wandering digital nomad life? Being surrounded by nature, on an adventure with my sweetest dog. Sounds pretty good to me. But do I want to be a digital nomad? Wouldn’t it be lonely?
For now, I'm gonna leave those questions unanswered. Let's see where I'm at next week. Who knows what I want to do or be by then—the next prime minister of Belgium? The things the brain comes up with, not to feel all the feelings. It’s insane. And it happens almost all subconsciously.
One question has been overwhelmingly avoided by yours truly.
What about Substack? What about The Bored Millennial?
I expected myself to want to go all in and use it to forget my worries, sadness, fears and guilt. To go after everything I ever wanted—becoming fully independent, building my own online business, etc. I have such high goals and plans but can't bring myself to chase them.
I know I should give myself some slack. But why am I willing to dream about all the other stuff but not about this? Something that feels like my place, my online home. All my habits and my drive seem to have vanished. And that honestly makes me very sad. The one thing I thought I could turn to, I'm turning away from.
The love and support I received on last week's post were overwhelming, pure, and a clear sign that this is real. I'm building something worthwhile; otherwise, you wouldn't care.
Then why is it so difficult for me to come back?
Because it was so deeply ingrained in my old life. Everything TBM started in Milan, and I'm not there anymore. All the little habits were linked to each other. And I have to find my new way here. Or find a way not to be environment-bounded when working on my writing.
This writing session felt very therapeutic, like a mirror. Now I know again for sure that I'll get through this, I'll be back, and I'm going to hit those goals and more. But I need to give myself grace, love, and patience during this journey.
You know you’re good, even when you can't do it with a broken heart.
Now, on to earnings!
Earnings
I don't have much to mention here since I didn't do any work. On the contrary, I canceled my monthly connect session on Productivity. I also started writing an article about productivity, but it was shit. So, I stopped doing that. I posted 2 notes and answered some lovely DMs I got from many of you. Again, thank you for the support.
Something fascinating happened, though. Last week, 24 hours after I sent out my weekly newsletter, I got FEWER subscribers than before. This had never happened. And in the grand scheme of things, it didn't matter much. But I was surprised. I share one of the most vulnerable things, and people say 'unsubscribe'. Why?
Logical thinking: I know this is okay; if my writing is not for you, it's better to unsubscribe. But I also thought: Yeezzzzz, cut me some slack, will ya??
I'm also losing paid subscribers, and I understand because I have not been providing much value these last weeks. One thing I'm starting to be convinced of regarding paid subscribers is that I will cut out the monthly option and transfer to only yearly payments. I want to create in-depth courses that provide enough value, worth the one-off price. I'm unsure how that's done technically, but I've seen people do it.
I might organize a whole 'summer sale' before moving to the new payment method.
Here is the spreadsheet:
Here is the stripe screenshot:
What I loved this week
Saying goodbye to Alfie was bittersweet, but I know he will be so much happier. Having all this alone time with Lola has been so good for my heart and soul. She is so cute and sweet. And one dog is such a big, big difference, haha, wow, easy peasy.
Reconnecting with my friends and family. I have felt so much love and support from them these weeks. I tear up thinking about it. Some connections got estranged over the past few years, but now they are back in full force.
These 10 days are one of the biggest of the year in Ghent, Belgium. We have something called the 'Gentse Feesten'. It's a free festival in the city center that lasts 10 days. It's like nothing you've ever seen before. So I'm going there this weekend, hopefully, to have some fun!
Taking the week off: I took the week off of work. I couldn't focus, and it was such a good decision.
Hope you enjoyed this edition!
Have a lovely weekend.
Big hug,
Marie
x
About the subscribers, there's been a glitch hitting everybody it seems. I hope that helps a little ❤️
About the impulse to do (what seems like) random things: you just said goodbye to an old version of you which was familiar to you.
You making all these plans makes sense when you look at what I think might be going on: A) You are hurting and want to get away from that, and B) You are looking forward to a future you know, in the deepest of your soul, is better for you.
It is scary as fuck, and I know how much all this hurts (believe me). Feel the feelings, and day by day things will get better. And you will create the life you got sprouting right there, between the cracks of your heart.
Marie, I am sorry for your loss, regardless of if you chose it or not. These kinds of losses can feel like a death. The death of a future you held so tightly. I always described it as turning off the light, left with blackness.
I truly do believe these moments can be the most transformative, though. In a profound way, if we let them. When I got divorced, I remember my dad saying, "Some people turn sour, bitter at the world, and some become better from it, more loving, more kind. Be that person." I'm 100% you will be that person.
I also had a boss give me some advice. He said take your time to figure out what you want, it will change and evolve. For me, I immediately wanted to move home across the country to my family (which it seems you did, but you didn't have a home). I'm glad I didn't jump on my first idea, or my tenth. I gave myself time to settle and the thing I felt most pulled to was a year later, quitting my job and traveling by myself. That experience became the most profound of my life so far. I know it was right. So that would be my advice, give yourself time.
My heart is with you. You will be okay though. Better than okay.