Locked Potential
Unraveling thoughts about (un)locking things
Last Sunday, I took a long morning walk, enjoying the full bloom of spring. In the park, private city gardens are tucked away behind high hedges and fences, making them hard to glimpse. But one patch on the side with various beautiful flowers pulled me closer. I decided to stop and admire their beauty.
So I tried to open the gate, but it was locked. I looked through the fences and saw that every separate patch was also locked.
How unfortunate! Why would the whole thing be locked? Why are we so distrustful of others destroying or stealing?
That walk became an unravelling thought practice: why do we lock our things?
The value of things
My parents have been robbed 15+ times. The last time was in December 2023. Burglars got into the house and roamed everywhere. Luckily, nobody was home. That's the second time strangers forced their way into my childhood home. The first time, I was asleep in bed as an 10-year-old girl.
I still remember Dad waking me in the morning, telling me, 'We had some visitors last night; don't be afraid, but the police are downstairs'. I hadn't heard anything. The burglars didn't come upstairs. But they took the time to open everything and even ate some leftover pasta in the garden.
It was big news in the little town we lived in. Even the local papers wrote about it. And I was scared for a long time after. We grew up in an old house, so everything creeks: the wooden floors, the stairs, the pipes. Those sounds became scary triggers. My sister and I even moved back into one room (and we did that again some years later after we "conjured up ghosts.")
My parents always told us not to be scared of thieves. What can they take? Nothing is of value. This is such a vital lesson. It taught us not to put material value on things. Of course, emotional value is something else.
We all have worthless things in the eyes of thieves, but they can be emotionally valuable to us. These are the things to cherish. However, most memories are in our heads. Nobody can steal those from you.
By the way, the robbery was why we got a dog. And that's how our family grew, with our favourite family member. I was less scared when he arrived. In hindsight, I am grateful for those thieves. We never would have had our sweet Schnauzer, Hercule, otherwise.
This way, this robbery story turns into a good one. It's all about perspective.
Cultural differences
Mr. M., my Italian partner, is always careful about protecting his stuff and locking everything safely. A habit I don't have.
Yesterday, I went to the grocery store in Milan. I searched for the 1 euro coin that is always in the same place in the car to unlock a shopping cart (again, ‘locking things’), but it disappeared. Where? How? Why?
Mr. M had put it in the glove compartment. If somebody saw those 2 coins, they might break into the car.
I know about not leaving valuable things visible in the car, like phones, laptops, etc. But a one-euro coin? It doesn't seem like a fair trade: stealing a one-euro coin with the risk of going to prison for breaking into a car. Mr. M. argues that desperate people (f.e. heavy drug addicts) don’t think like that. They want fast money for a quick shot.
It's not only Mr. M.; it's an Italian thing.
Locking stuff reaches a whole other level in Italy than I'm used to. I've never seen iron bars in front of windows in Belgium except in prisons, but they're common in Italy. Our front door from our tiny Milanese apartment on the 5th floor has three heavy locks, whereas I'm used to having one lock and one key only.
Where does this difference come from? I would not be surprised if it's from generational trauma. We've seen the movies and series about the mafia. But for many Italians, it was not fiction. The mafia affected their lives heavily. Many were scared and still are. Even today, it's a sensitive topic. Nope, sorry, that was wrong thinking—mea culpa. Mafia don’t break into houses. They are infiltrated in every layer of society and mainly gain through corruption.
Mr. M. told me it's because crime rates are much higher in Italy. The standard of living is lower in Italy compared to Belgium. And indeed, I checked the crime rates: Italy is number 40 of 193 countries, and Belgium is number 129.
Belgians don't need to protect their windows with iron bars because they don't know this level of crime. So it makes no sense to judge my beloved Italians on protecting their things. I didn’t grow up in a country with higher crime rates.
Even Mr. M’s mom sees this difference. She worries if I’m careful enough.
Locking thoughts and emotions
We don't only lock our things away. We, even more, keep our thoughts to ourselves. And let's be honest. Maybe that's a good thing. I would be a rambling lunatic if everything I think comes out.
But I'm very selective about which thoughts I share and which I don't. It's an introvert thing. I don't mind talking, but I do mind mindless talking.
I have plenty of silly thoughts that don't need to come out, but I could share more. I believe people are not interested in how my workday was, for example. I will only tell things if somebody specifically asks for them.
But often, a person doesn't know what to ask for specifically. So the thoughts stay inside, locked up, never to come out—unless I write about them. Writing helps me a lot to get my thoughts onto paper. And if nobody reads it, it also stays locked on those pages.
It's a delicate balance of oversharing and undersharing. But it is essential to share your honest thoughts and emotions. That's how you connect on a deeper level.
The same goes for emotions. Why are we so scared to show our emotions?
Emotions build up insight until they explode or cause you literal physical pain. The same goes for accepting somebody else's emotions. Since you and I only live in our heads and bodies, it's hard to imagine what's happening in someone else's head. If you compare what you think and feel to what comes out to the surface, it's only the tip of the iceberg.
People have so many layers, unknown sensitivities, and insecurities. You can never fully understand another person because you'll never have lived their life and been in their head. That way, a person’s always a bit locked away from you. Only you truly know you.
Locked potential
'Unlock your potential'. How often have we heard or read this phrase in self-help books, coaching advertisements, and fitness supplements? I have even used these words in my writing and in describing what I want.
Yet, these advertisements imply that our potential is 'locked' or 'hidden' today. But is it locked? Isn't it just there? Isn't your true potential what you are doing with your life right now?
If you are choosing comfort, that's your potential.
If you are choosing discomfort, that's your potential as well.
If you choose to transform your life but don't take actual action, that's your potential.
If you choose to transform your life and do the hard work, that is your potential.
When I read the word 'unlocking potential,' I imagine myself unlocking a door and seeing a productive-powerhouse-Marie, not wasting any precious time, chasing her dreams. I'd think, 'If I can unlock my potential, I'll be happy.'
This is bullshit, of course. I don’t have to wait for any ‘if’ to be something.
Your potential is not something you can achieve by turning a key. It's not a one-night metamorphosis. The self-help gurus, charlatans, and 'overnight successes' make you believe change happens with the flip of a switch. They love to sell this dream, to get your money in their pocket.
Don't buy into it.
Transformation and chasing your goals are challenging. But it is worth going after them, enjoying the journey, and being proud of yourself.
And that's how we ended up here, from a locked gate of city gardens to a deep talk about potential and emotions.
I hope you liked it!
Share your thoughts in the comments section.
Till the next one,
Marie
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I like this old idea from Japan that we have three faces: one for the world, one for our close ones and one for ourselves, and only when the three align can we find the purest happiness possible. Your idea of not locking things away from those around us made me think of that.
Wow, didn't expect the article to take these various pathways on "locked garden patches". So cool to join your little string of thoughts and associations. I think I want to add two things (introvert deciding between under- and oversharing, right?)
#1: I admire your parents for how they managed the situation with the burglars and also implemented this mindset of "don't put material value on things". That's so thoughtful and genuine. Related to the cultural differences, I have some funny insights from my time living on Svalbard where there is literally no criminality. People leave all their front doors unlocked, even during night (and remember, there are month of total darkness in the Arctic). It's for polar bear safety reasons and providing escape in case a polar bear is roaming the settlement. Further, there is a saying that "nothing ever gets lost on Svalbard. It just gets dislocated". And I had several experiences of lost items making it back to their owners in the most incredible ways. One includes dropping an Earpod somewhere along the shore in fall and someone found it after winter, posted it in a lost & found forum, a friend noticed it, got it, brought it back to Germany and then sent it via mail to me. It was still working (though the battery would only hold for 3 minutes :D).
#2 I have constant discussions with Sven why I am not proactively sharing more in conversations or simply stop way too early in my stories. Well, I feel exactly like you: If no one seems interested, asks for more details, etc., I simply can't get myself convinced to continue talking even though I would like to share more.