I feel forgotten
“No, I don't feel lonely.” I keep telling my mom.
Loneliness is not the right word. It doesn't cover the load of this feeling. I'm good alone, I can sit with myself in silence. Sometimes I even crave alone time.
So what is it? This looming feeling inside of me?
I could not put my finger on it until I spent time with a good friend this weekend. She relocated to Zurich 10 months ago and unexpectedly visited me in Milan. We talked a lot about how it is to relocate and how suddenly it feels like people are disappearing from our lives.
Then, the day after, I read this beautiful piece by
, and suddenly, it clicked.I don't feel lonely. I feel forgotten.
And in one way or another, that's even more painful. Maybe because I'm good alone and not good at feeling forgotten. The old, safe life doesn’t exist anymore. Neither do the routines and meetups I had with friends and family. I’m out of the picture, and out of sight is out of mind. I’m a bit ‘forgotten’.
Of course, I'm exaggerating. I know I'm not really forgotten, but with physical distance, the friendship bonds also seem to grow more distant.
However, this distant feeling was already simmering inside me before we decided to move.
I used to be a very socially active 20-something woman. I was always up for a drink, spent more nights going out than staying home, and had tons of people to hang out with.
Then COVID forced us to stay home; I loved this period. When the first lockdown was over, I met my partner in crime. I became a 30-something woman in love, craving personal growth and embracing her introvertness.
My old lifestyle didn't fit the new one anymore.
But my friends didn't evolve in the same way as I did. That's the natural course of life, and most millennials (or any generation for that matter) will recognize this shift. From partying every weekend to meeting each other for brunch and receiving one baby or wedding announcement after the other. Some friends are still in partying mode, while others have fully embraced family life. I felt like I didn’t fit in either one of those categories.
Moving abroad, however, made fitting into one of these categories unnecessary. And now I don’t have to ‘choose’ one. I’m cut off from my old life—the life I wanted to hold on to for so long, even though it didn’t fit me anymore. My ‘new Italian’ life is my new reality. And I love most of it. Except for the ‘I feel forgotten ’ part.
I want to wave my arms in the air like a lunatic and shout, “See me!! I’m right here!”
To ‘unfeel’ being forgotten.
I wonder:
“Do they miss me?”
“Do they need me? Because I need them.”
“Am I making enough effort myself to keep the friendships alive?”
It’s always a two-sided story with two perspectives. I might feel forgotten, but they might feel left behind. Or maybe I’m crazy overthinking this and seeing things that are simply not there. Most probably, their lives just continue as they know it, being busy and stuff. And I’m slowly building a new life, having way too much time to overthink.
And maybe the best thing to do - throwing in just a simple idea, Marie - is to talk to them.
Share your feelings instead of fretting about them. If I’m not sharing, how can I expect them to know this is how I feel?
It’s not easy, like Annexes wrote:
Luckily, my family gives me such a strong foundation. My mom is my biggest fan (for real!). I can talk to her about these things. My dad and my sister are always there for me, too. They are a true, solid support system.
And so is Mr. M. Always there, ready to give me a big hug. He understands.
I’ve had many visits and am returning to Belgium for 3 weeks, I’m a lucky girl.
Also, the moment I connect again with my friends in real life, it’s like no time or distance was ever between us. And that is, too, an amazingly strong foundation to work on.
Moving abroad is also one of the reasons I’m thriving here on Substack and with my newsletter.
I'm pretty sure that if we had not moved to Milan, the Bored Millennial would not exist. Almost all of my energy goes towards it. This now feels like my little place of belonging. I love it, but I also realize that this is the online world, and I need to find some real people in my new real world.
To be clear, I would not want it any other way. The confrontational feelings that come with the distance are inherent to growth and further self-development. It's the experience I need to have. I would never forgive myself if I’d let fear hold me back.
Moving to a new country brings new beginnings. It widens your horizons, broadens your life experiences, and deepens your understanding of the world.
And for that, my friends, I’m extremely grateful.
Thank you for reading.
With Love,
Marie
🧡
Having moved to three different continents in less than five years I can relate to this feeling. It’s also something that comes with age and as friends move, get married and have children. You’re not forgotten, your friends will still be there. There may be less constant communication with certain people in your life but that can also be remedied with scheduled contact. For example, I have a monthly zoom call with friends of mine from back home. It’s the first Sunday of each month and we rarely miss it. It helps us stay connected in a very busy world 🌍
I feel this deeply as a 30-something who moved across the country a year ago. Working remote and taking care of my two kiddos, most days I feel like my world exists inside the four walls of my house. It’s challenging to find a new community, but draining to maintain long distance friendships. I’m giving myself the freedom to take things a day at a time and do what feels genuinely right - not what I should do, what I want to do.