Having moved to three different continents in less than five years I can relate to this feeling. It’s also something that comes with age and as friends move, get married and have children. You’re not forgotten, your friends will still be there. There may be less constant communication with certain people in your life but that can also be remedied with scheduled contact. For example, I have a monthly zoom call with friends of mine from back home. It’s the first Sunday of each month and we rarely miss it. It helps us stay connected in a very busy world 🌍
That's so a cool ritual Jamie, thanks for sharing!! Moving 3 times in less than 5 years is pretty intense I can imagine. I hope you like where you are now?
I feel this deeply as a 30-something who moved across the country a year ago. Working remote and taking care of my two kiddos, most days I feel like my world exists inside the four walls of my house. It’s challenging to find a new community, but draining to maintain long distance friendships. I’m giving myself the freedom to take things a day at a time and do what feels genuinely right - not what I should do, what I want to do.
Oh wow, allthough I don't have kids, (I do have 2 puppies now) I feel exactly the same. Working remotely and always the same little routines and same walls. The worlds becomes so small. No energy to create new bonds yet and indeed, difficult to maintain the long distance onces... Thank you so much for sharing. Giving yourself the freedom and space to take time to settle is the best thing to do I think
This is a beautiful, vulnerable piece and I perfectly understand the difference between lonely and forgotten. It's a feeling all of us foreigners feel, you're not alone. :) It's subtle and like you say, you can fix it with a phone call, but still... it's part of the fabric of being far away from whatever 'home' means.
I remember this feeling quite well. It gets worse when the whole family calls you while they are having some party, and it's so chaotic you don't hear anything and you (or rather the iPad) is passed around from person to person only for a sec or two.
It does make the return sweeter, though. That's how I learned to miss my family.
I can relate. I moved countries many times. What I've noticed is that friendships with fellow travellers last longer - maybe because they know the impact of travelling, or because they are more on 'my' wavelength, or because their friends are their family too.
Oh Marie, this one of your most beautiful posts so far! You made me feel like you were actually sitting close to me opening up about your feelings and thoughts.
You made me think about my own feelings and perspectives to relationships, especially the ones that turn long distance relationships. The dynamics change. A friendship that was build on physical presence, as sad as it sounds, might not necessarily be made for long distances. However, those once with true bonds reveal when seeing each other again. So if regular phone calls won’t work, maybe, that’s okay. Rather than pondering the why, it might be worth to build a tradition of planning a next get together or activity every-time that you see each other.
I read both books by Michelle Obama. She talks mentions quite often her close but also scattered personal support system she built over the years. And despite all of them having super busy lives, one thing she insists of is to have an annual getaway with them. And I find this truly beautiful 🥰
That is truly beautiful! Makes me think of something me and my cousins should do. We are 6 girls and all very close in age. Would you recommend her books?
That might be a lovely group to ask for such thing!
I absolutely enjoyed her first book (Becoming), the second one (The light we carry) is different from the first, sometimes I felt it was a bit lengthy, but still so many beautiful perspectives!
As someone who has moved a lot, has little family, and has always been more introverted, I still resonate with this. I think this sense of feeling forgotten by others is also a sense of feeling forgotten by the world. For me anyway. Like the world continues to move on at its own distinct rhythm and the notes I am playing don’t contribute to the sound. I often feel forgotten by life. That’s why I write. It helps me feel connected to the whole, and sometimes to others, although honestly writing can also be a source of loneliness too. I guess trying to find out place in the world, a place that’s always changing as we do, is part of the human condition. A nostalgia for something that might not even exist.
I love the phrasing and meaning of your last two sentences!
It’s so true. And it’s soothing. Especially when we wonder “Did I make a mistake?”, “Would I have found my place (or kept it) if I had not made decision x, y or z?” Truth is, we never know. We might end up being the one so tightly holding on to something that suddenly we realised, we have been left behind and others might have made decisions that led to a change of the situation, relationship, etc.
Life is a series of daring ventures from a secure base. You have the most important secure base…your family and their unfailing support. All you have to do is begin a daring venture where you are living now. Make 1 friend (or more) every week and slowly build a friends’ circle. In person relationships are way better than distant online relationships. Of course, you should try and stay in touch with your family and friends back home.
I'm leaving abroad 18 years. I lived in three different countries. I'm still feeling the same but every year I feel much better because I learned how to process every new reality with love and respect for my decisions. That feeling never ends but the process is what matters. Family is super important and I'm sure they will be by your side till the end. Some friends will remain those ones are treasures and yes they exist. Find good friends in other country takes a village! But it happens no worries. In my experience between 3-5 years is the period. The best for you and thank you for sharing 🤗🙌 greetings from San Francisco, CA
Oh this explains exactly how I feel! I don’t have children and I’m not in a relationship and sometimes it feels hard to connect with my existing friend circle. i don’t feel lonely I feel forgotten. Thank you for sharing this perspective!
This is something I think about when my mom asks if I’ll ever move home. I moved to a new state and have been away for almost 5 years. My peers who are at home…. cannot relate whatsoever. So if I go home, I’m supposed to pretend like these people didn’t forget about me for years and never reached out? I don’t know, it’s an odd dynamic.
I do appreciate you putting words to how I feel. I used to do a lot to stay in touch with people and my energy started to get depleted and I realized that without me reaching out I didn’t hear from many of them.
I truly believe we are all doing our best and perhaps they don’t have the capacity to cultivate friendships either. I do at times feel forgotten and having language for my feelings is helpful. Thank you
Nicely written. Honest and transparent. I think most of us will get to our forties and feel we haven't made an impact. Those dreams didn't happen. Or they're perpetually in development. Life gets a little heavier. Whereas you used to chat things over with friends, half drunk, now it's seldom and pinched by an anxiety you know will be back tomorrow. We feel - and we're perpetually told - we must pull ourselves together, focus more, optimise our productivity. And some of that can be good, but modern life is so fast, it's inevitable we feel too slow, not at our best, lagging behind, chronically hesitant... I think, at heart, this is often why we feel forgotten. Because the world always seems to be moving faster than us.
I’m about to move to Italy and I think about this a lot. I also know what it’s like to do a lot of inner work, and start to feel a distance from the people in your life. There is this liminal space that happens where some people are moving out while you’re waiting for other people to move in. I don’t know if that’s the space you’re in, or if this is different. But I have experienced that space and it can be very lonely. But it doesn’t last forever. I also have the point of view that Americans don’t prioritize friendship. the way they need to which is one of the reasons I’m moving and so I doubt your friends have forgotten you —I just think we’ve been conditioned to make other things higher priorities even tho it makes us unhappy.
Indeed, I started doing a lot of inner work 2 years ago, and I’ve seen my relationships shift and change. An undeniable distance that caused a lot of friction for me; often, I felt torn between the ‘old’ me and 'the ‘new’ me. Especially with, for example, my relationship with alcohol, which is heavily influenced by who I hang out with. Suddenly, that didn’t fit the new me anymore. By moving abroad, everything becomes much clearer and much faster.
Unfortunately, this is what happens. Everybody has the same story when they start doing inner work. But fortunately, everyone also has the same story that with time new more aligned relationships come in to fill in the space. Re Italy I’m going to be in Puglia, near Ostuni. My husband and I bought some farmland there and are renovating a little Trullo which will be my “tiny home”
This was very helpful to read. I am not living abroad like you, however, being a caregiver can be just as lonely because people don't get it or they are busy living as you said, and you have to learn how to enjoy the virtual friends you meet while you handle your family life. I feel seen and remembered by this post!
Having moved to three different continents in less than five years I can relate to this feeling. It’s also something that comes with age and as friends move, get married and have children. You’re not forgotten, your friends will still be there. There may be less constant communication with certain people in your life but that can also be remedied with scheduled contact. For example, I have a monthly zoom call with friends of mine from back home. It’s the first Sunday of each month and we rarely miss it. It helps us stay connected in a very busy world 🌍
That's so a cool ritual Jamie, thanks for sharing!! Moving 3 times in less than 5 years is pretty intense I can imagine. I hope you like where you are now?
I feel this deeply as a 30-something who moved across the country a year ago. Working remote and taking care of my two kiddos, most days I feel like my world exists inside the four walls of my house. It’s challenging to find a new community, but draining to maintain long distance friendships. I’m giving myself the freedom to take things a day at a time and do what feels genuinely right - not what I should do, what I want to do.
Oh wow, allthough I don't have kids, (I do have 2 puppies now) I feel exactly the same. Working remotely and always the same little routines and same walls. The worlds becomes so small. No energy to create new bonds yet and indeed, difficult to maintain the long distance onces... Thank you so much for sharing. Giving yourself the freedom and space to take time to settle is the best thing to do I think
This is a beautiful, vulnerable piece and I perfectly understand the difference between lonely and forgotten. It's a feeling all of us foreigners feel, you're not alone. :) It's subtle and like you say, you can fix it with a phone call, but still... it's part of the fabric of being far away from whatever 'home' means.
I remember this feeling quite well. It gets worse when the whole family calls you while they are having some party, and it's so chaotic you don't hear anything and you (or rather the iPad) is passed around from person to person only for a sec or two.
It does make the return sweeter, though. That's how I learned to miss my family.
I can relate. I moved countries many times. What I've noticed is that friendships with fellow travellers last longer - maybe because they know the impact of travelling, or because they are more on 'my' wavelength, or because their friends are their family too.
I moved away two years ago. I miss many things:
- My loving family
- Our quiet village
- Kind neighbors
- Morning birdsongs
- Beautiful sunrises
I loved rainy days spent reading books. All these memories are dear to me.
I moved after getting married, but my partner isn't very supportive. I've only visited home a few times since.
In this new place, I often feel alone. Part of my heart is still in my home.
I'm so sorry to hear that Ram. Is your home far away from where you live now?
Those things you name are the most lovely small things and it's often those we miss the most
Oh Marie, this one of your most beautiful posts so far! You made me feel like you were actually sitting close to me opening up about your feelings and thoughts.
You made me think about my own feelings and perspectives to relationships, especially the ones that turn long distance relationships. The dynamics change. A friendship that was build on physical presence, as sad as it sounds, might not necessarily be made for long distances. However, those once with true bonds reveal when seeing each other again. So if regular phone calls won’t work, maybe, that’s okay. Rather than pondering the why, it might be worth to build a tradition of planning a next get together or activity every-time that you see each other.
I read both books by Michelle Obama. She talks mentions quite often her close but also scattered personal support system she built over the years. And despite all of them having super busy lives, one thing she insists of is to have an annual getaway with them. And I find this truly beautiful 🥰
That is truly beautiful! Makes me think of something me and my cousins should do. We are 6 girls and all very close in age. Would you recommend her books?
Thank you for your kind words ❤️
That might be a lovely group to ask for such thing!
I absolutely enjoyed her first book (Becoming), the second one (The light we carry) is different from the first, sometimes I felt it was a bit lengthy, but still so many beautiful perspectives!
As someone who has moved a lot, has little family, and has always been more introverted, I still resonate with this. I think this sense of feeling forgotten by others is also a sense of feeling forgotten by the world. For me anyway. Like the world continues to move on at its own distinct rhythm and the notes I am playing don’t contribute to the sound. I often feel forgotten by life. That’s why I write. It helps me feel connected to the whole, and sometimes to others, although honestly writing can also be a source of loneliness too. I guess trying to find out place in the world, a place that’s always changing as we do, is part of the human condition. A nostalgia for something that might not even exist.
I love the phrasing and meaning of your last two sentences!
It’s so true. And it’s soothing. Especially when we wonder “Did I make a mistake?”, “Would I have found my place (or kept it) if I had not made decision x, y or z?” Truth is, we never know. We might end up being the one so tightly holding on to something that suddenly we realised, we have been left behind and others might have made decisions that led to a change of the situation, relationship, etc.
Yes!! Reading such a good book about paths not taken - the Midnight Library. Have you read it? Also just wrote about this - the 3 lies fueling regret.
Nooo, I haven't! I will add the book to my reading list and check out your posts!
I've read this book and loved it! I actually think about it a lot. Same with the movie, Everything Everywhere All at Once.
Oh wow, this is so powerful Suzanne! Thank you for sharing this ❤️
Life is a series of daring ventures from a secure base. You have the most important secure base…your family and their unfailing support. All you have to do is begin a daring venture where you are living now. Make 1 friend (or more) every week and slowly build a friends’ circle. In person relationships are way better than distant online relationships. Of course, you should try and stay in touch with your family and friends back home.
I'm leaving abroad 18 years. I lived in three different countries. I'm still feeling the same but every year I feel much better because I learned how to process every new reality with love and respect for my decisions. That feeling never ends but the process is what matters. Family is super important and I'm sure they will be by your side till the end. Some friends will remain those ones are treasures and yes they exist. Find good friends in other country takes a village! But it happens no worries. In my experience between 3-5 years is the period. The best for you and thank you for sharing 🤗🙌 greetings from San Francisco, CA
Oh this explains exactly how I feel! I don’t have children and I’m not in a relationship and sometimes it feels hard to connect with my existing friend circle. i don’t feel lonely I feel forgotten. Thank you for sharing this perspective!
This is something I think about when my mom asks if I’ll ever move home. I moved to a new state and have been away for almost 5 years. My peers who are at home…. cannot relate whatsoever. So if I go home, I’m supposed to pretend like these people didn’t forget about me for years and never reached out? I don’t know, it’s an odd dynamic.
I do appreciate you putting words to how I feel. I used to do a lot to stay in touch with people and my energy started to get depleted and I realized that without me reaching out I didn’t hear from many of them.
I truly believe we are all doing our best and perhaps they don’t have the capacity to cultivate friendships either. I do at times feel forgotten and having language for my feelings is helpful. Thank you
Thank you for sharing Leona, it means a lot, also to know that I am not alone. 🧡
Nicely written. Honest and transparent. I think most of us will get to our forties and feel we haven't made an impact. Those dreams didn't happen. Or they're perpetually in development. Life gets a little heavier. Whereas you used to chat things over with friends, half drunk, now it's seldom and pinched by an anxiety you know will be back tomorrow. We feel - and we're perpetually told - we must pull ourselves together, focus more, optimise our productivity. And some of that can be good, but modern life is so fast, it's inevitable we feel too slow, not at our best, lagging behind, chronically hesitant... I think, at heart, this is often why we feel forgotten. Because the world always seems to be moving faster than us.
I’m about to move to Italy and I think about this a lot. I also know what it’s like to do a lot of inner work, and start to feel a distance from the people in your life. There is this liminal space that happens where some people are moving out while you’re waiting for other people to move in. I don’t know if that’s the space you’re in, or if this is different. But I have experienced that space and it can be very lonely. But it doesn’t last forever. I also have the point of view that Americans don’t prioritize friendship. the way they need to which is one of the reasons I’m moving and so I doubt your friends have forgotten you —I just think we’ve been conditioned to make other things higher priorities even tho it makes us unhappy.
Indeed, I started doing a lot of inner work 2 years ago, and I’ve seen my relationships shift and change. An undeniable distance that caused a lot of friction for me; often, I felt torn between the ‘old’ me and 'the ‘new’ me. Especially with, for example, my relationship with alcohol, which is heavily influenced by who I hang out with. Suddenly, that didn’t fit the new me anymore. By moving abroad, everything becomes much clearer and much faster.
Where and when are you moving to in Italy?
That’s so cool! I love Italy 😍
Unfortunately, this is what happens. Everybody has the same story when they start doing inner work. But fortunately, everyone also has the same story that with time new more aligned relationships come in to fill in the space. Re Italy I’m going to be in Puglia, near Ostuni. My husband and I bought some farmland there and are renovating a little Trullo which will be my “tiny home”
This was very helpful to read. I am not living abroad like you, however, being a caregiver can be just as lonely because people don't get it or they are busy living as you said, and you have to learn how to enjoy the virtual friends you meet while you handle your family life. I feel seen and remembered by this post!
Thank you for reading and leaving this thoughtful comment @BEE Channel ! Means a lot!
You're welcome!