The closest I've ever felt to my true self
Being out there heals the soul
I’m ambitious, and I want big things. I’m your poster girl for ‘How you should go through life according to our society’.
Or, at least, I was your poster girl. Until I got depressed and lost track of my path. Ever since, I’ve been searching. Who am I? What’s my purpose in this world? How can I find joy again, and how do I let go?
Questions I can’t seem to find an answer to and maybe I will never know. I’m searching, but I don’t know what I’m searching for. That’s a bit of a problem.
I, however, got a glimpse of my true self 1,5 year ago. In a place I didn’t expect it at all.
On a whim, I decided to join my friend on one of his running adventures. He was going to run the Pacific Crest Trail in the United States, and he wanted to get the Fastest Known Time record on that trail. It’s 2,650 miles or 4,265 kilometers long, a remote path crossing the most beautiful nature parks of the west coast of the States. It starts at the Mexican border and ends at the Canadian border.
My sister and two other friends (whom I didn't know) were also going to join him as crewmembers, as was my cousin, the wife of the runner.
I decided to join them for three weeks.
It was hands down, the best experience of my life. I get tears thinking about it, I long to get back to it.
Why?
I believe I got a glimpse of how we used to live, when we were nomads.
Barely cellphone reception
Living outdoors 85% of the time: sleeping in tents, cooking, walking, running outside
Living in a small but tight community with a clear goal and direction
Being surrounded by breathtaking nature 100% of the time
Cut off from society, the news, social media
No care or need of any material stuff
I was living in the now. I was calm, relaxed, I felt strong, I felt I mattered. I was funny. I was part of a community. It didn’t matter how I looked. We were all dirty and didn’t shower for days in a row. We didn’t smell - or at least that’s what we thought.
This was a truly profound, even spiritual experience for me.
When coming back to society, before I realized it, I slipped into the rat race again, into consumerism, into caring about how I look like, how much I earn. Spending time on the phone or computer, thinking about the future constantly, not living in the now anymore.
And it hurts. Because there’s a big discrepancy with that girl I was around Mount Sashta and who I am here. Or at least, who I’m trying to find here.
I had a similar experience (in miniature form) during my latest travel to Tenerife. Which has unfortunately come to an end.
When I travel, I feel closer to my true self and I don’t want to go back to my normal life.
I wonder, should our normal life be a form of travel life instead of the other way around?
Being in nature all the time, surrounded by relaxed people, no rushing, no deadlines, no alarms. Living on the rhythm of the sun. Just being.
I’m trying to build a similar lifestyle at home, in my tiny rainy country, Belgium. It’s not easy, but I’m determined to find my way!
What I know for sure is this:
Our truth is found in nature and community. We are an inherent part of this earth, and it needs us as much as we need it. Being outside, living with the sunrises and sunsets, that’s live, as simple as that. Surrounded by a small group of friends who all have the same goal. That’s community.
That’s the feeling of being part of something.
Here are some more pictures of my trip to Tenerife. Which was truly magical.
I’ve found a gem of a hostel, all in the North. Casanaga house will forever have a special place in my heart. There was a yoga class every morning with a view on the wild ocean and the sound of the winds and waves. We had dinner all together every evening. So I met lovely interesting people.
I took surf classes for the first time. And I was definitely not a natural, but I for sure pushed my limits. (This involves a guru spiritual surf teacher - a story for another time!)
I relaxed and went with my feelings instead of completing a ‘must see list’.
I went stargazing on the Volcano. I did a roadtrip along the coast all by myself singing loudly to my favourite songs. I followed the rhythm of the sun. I walked a lot.
I’m beyond grateful.
I’m healing and getting closer to myself with each step on the way.
Thank you for reading, as always.
Have a lovely weekend!
🧡
Marie
This comment is for my past self who thought much like you. Now that I'm in my early 50s I know a few things to be true: 1. I will never find my true self (and that's okay). 2. Each day I'm growing and changing so I'm not a fixed spot in time. 3. Finding the balance between unplugging and plugging in (working and not working, being alone [not lonely, but alone] and with others is not as easy as I had once thought. I look back at my past self and smile because of how I romanticized the world. But even in my current place, I find it difficult to believe that some people would do something to harm others or exist only for money and power. I don't know if it's my being an introvert (INFJ on the Myers-Brigg personality scale) or what, but I've always seen beyond the facade. Sure, it's great to have money and all the "things." But there's something to be said about the truer things in life. In my early 20s, I couldn't see what my future would be. But now that I look back, I see what has meant the most to me so far in my life. I can still see my toddler son wobbling his way into my office as I worked at the computer, and he held up a piece of paper and said his first sentence: "I ripped it." Or my daughter squealing in joy as I swung her around in a circle to the music at the father/daughter dance. Or holding my wife's hand during our wedding ceremony and seeing her smile. All of these moments are wrapped up into my true self. I respect and admire your willingness to go on this journey and to share your thoughts and experiences with the world. Might be worth saving this particular post somewhere and then 15 years from now to re-read it. I wonder what your future self will say...
It’s Mount Shasta 😆 Cheryl Strayed wrote a book about getting back to herself on the PCT called Wild. I’ve always been fascinated by the PCT and that experience and I’m glad you got to hike a bit of it. I get up around there a fair bit and there are a set of known towns off the PCT where through hikers send themselves care packages. They get off the trail and hitchike to the post office to get their package and something to eat. You can always pick out the hikers who have just wandered off the trail back into civilization